Digging deeper

I've been getting into the Word daily, and seeking the Lord as well. My wife and I had sex last night and for some reason I find myself vulnerable today. I haven't felt the need to search for porn or masturbate or perform any other act that would seem sinful to the outside observer. The temptation is occuring in my heart......... I have an avid interest in tattoo's and bodybuilding, though my body would fool you, and this has led me to magazines/websites involving these subjects. What I find is that my eyes starts to wander or my mind runs away with these images and my desire to look further and to look at more grows. It's been said, "You can look, but you just can't touch!" But Jesus said, [paraphrased]"If you look at a woman with lust, you have committed adultry." That is the root of my struggle in recent time. The acting out has slowed to a crawl [though I am not completely immune], and the attitude of my heart is being revealed to me more and more. This brings up questions that I don't know the answer to.....or do I? Do I put aside my interest in tattoos, simply because the world attaches sex, fetishes, rebellion, and deeply erotic themes with this art? When you look at magazines, websites, etc, it is a hard thing to get away from. What about bodybuilding? It is a healthy thing, but in the hands of the world it gets twisted and turns to obsession of body image, sexual displays, and quite near to porn. Do I have to give up tattoos and bodybuilding? Or do I have to find a safe place to examine my interests so that I am not put into a place of temptation? I know the answer, but do I want to take the right steps?

I have worth?

My first meeting with Becoming Whole was a semi-nervous experience. Would I know anyone? Would I fit it? Or feel welcomed? Upon arriving to the location where the meeting was to take place I confidently walked into the building to find lights turned off everywhere. Sanctuary? Empty, lights off. Fellowship Hall? Empty, lights off. Am I in the right place? As I walked back outside I saw a familiar face directing me in the right direction, upstairs and to the right. I walked slowly into the room to find more familiar faces mixed with the anxious faces of men I've never seen.

Worship was great! It isn't often that you hear men sing from their hearts....even at church most men put on a mask of macho masculinity. After worship came 15 minutes of 'soaking prayer'. Men spread throughout the room, getting comfortable, and asking the Lord to speak to them where they lived and struggled. This is what the Lord said to me:

Don't beat yourself up over the past! Let go, give in......

A song played in the background and I listened to the words. My mind wandered momentarily and I thought, "Why do I struggle with pride when I feel like I am not even worth that much? I am a treasured possession of the Lord? He thinks about me all of the time? I am the Lord's obsession? What can I do to make God my obsession?

I called you! You didn't choose me! You get no credit for your salvation! That alone speaks of your worth and value to me. Accept it and it will change your view, then your attitude, then your behavior. Accepting it doesn't give you any more value to me. Your worth and value to me are the same, no matter what you do.

I accept it! I have value to God. I am able to change once I see and accept the TRUTH about my value to the Lord.

A beginning to my end.....

I am addicted to pornography, a fact that I have been dealing with openly for quite a few years. When I say openly, I in no way mean that I make it known to everyone or shout it from the rooftops. But I have been open with my wife, and openly share with other men my stuggle to be free of this and to strive to be more like Christ.



This blog will be a public outpouring of the stuggles that I endure while striving to be more like Jesus. My stuggles with sex and pornography first led me to a para-church ministry called Sought Out, which conducts Living Waters. Living Waters is a ministry to those who are sexually broken, and in turn it deals with many of the heart issues in the lives of the sexually broken. Living Waters pointed me to the cross of Christ and explained the cycle of addiction, how to deal with these cycles, why they exist, and how to change and turn from my habitual brokenness. Living Waters helped me attack my addiction and take many much-needed steps in healing.

My next step in this journey is a more practical attack to this addiction. Today I will start a group called 'Becoming Whole'. Becoming Whole is a form of SALT (Sexual Addicts Learning Trust) that provides accountablity, and more practically attacks the addiction by implementing weekly sex history sheets, daily accountablity phone calls, and concentrates on the physical cycle of sex addiction first. Once the acting out of the addiction is more controlled, then the heart issues are addressed.

I start my Becoming Whole journey today in an attitude of openness and pray that the Lord uses this to bring my addiction more under control than it has been before. After Living Waters I did well.......for a while. My cycles are less frequent and I believe that Becoming Whole will help me to address my attitude toward sex, and my heart toward God.

The war has begun and I am ready to battle!!