One Week Down...

Week 1 is complete and I'm headed back to Becoming Whole tonight. It was a successful week, but my thoughts and temptations gained strength as the week went on, and I'm ready to be renewed for this weeks battle. Yesterday at church, the Lord spoke into my broken spots, and the pastor spoke on 'Developing a Godly Self Image'. The shame and disappointment that my pornography addiction and masturbation have brought upon me often brings me to a place of...I wouldn't call it self-hatred, but I certainly haven't liked myself very much. This dislike of myself cycles with my addiction and reveals itself through my inner thoughts and bouts of semi-depression. It is hard to love others, grow in your relationship with your Lord, be a good father and husband, all while you don't even like yourself. I ordered the CD and will share some points from his sermon when I get a chance to review it, but I must say that it spoke into the deep parts of my brokenness.

Romans 6:11-14
11In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. 12Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. 13Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. 14For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Digging deeper

I've been getting into the Word daily, and seeking the Lord as well. My wife and I had sex last night and for some reason I find myself vulnerable today. I haven't felt the need to search for porn or masturbate or perform any other act that would seem sinful to the outside observer. The temptation is occuring in my heart......... I have an avid interest in tattoo's and bodybuilding, though my body would fool you, and this has led me to magazines/websites involving these subjects. What I find is that my eyes starts to wander or my mind runs away with these images and my desire to look further and to look at more grows. It's been said, "You can look, but you just can't touch!" But Jesus said, [paraphrased]"If you look at a woman with lust, you have committed adultry." That is the root of my struggle in recent time. The acting out has slowed to a crawl [though I am not completely immune], and the attitude of my heart is being revealed to me more and more. This brings up questions that I don't know the answer to.....or do I? Do I put aside my interest in tattoos, simply because the world attaches sex, fetishes, rebellion, and deeply erotic themes with this art? When you look at magazines, websites, etc, it is a hard thing to get away from. What about bodybuilding? It is a healthy thing, but in the hands of the world it gets twisted and turns to obsession of body image, sexual displays, and quite near to porn. Do I have to give up tattoos and bodybuilding? Or do I have to find a safe place to examine my interests so that I am not put into a place of temptation? I know the answer, but do I want to take the right steps?

I have worth?

My first meeting with Becoming Whole was a semi-nervous experience. Would I know anyone? Would I fit it? Or feel welcomed? Upon arriving to the location where the meeting was to take place I confidently walked into the building to find lights turned off everywhere. Sanctuary? Empty, lights off. Fellowship Hall? Empty, lights off. Am I in the right place? As I walked back outside I saw a familiar face directing me in the right direction, upstairs and to the right. I walked slowly into the room to find more familiar faces mixed with the anxious faces of men I've never seen.

Worship was great! It isn't often that you hear men sing from their hearts....even at church most men put on a mask of macho masculinity. After worship came 15 minutes of 'soaking prayer'. Men spread throughout the room, getting comfortable, and asking the Lord to speak to them where they lived and struggled. This is what the Lord said to me:

Don't beat yourself up over the past! Let go, give in......

A song played in the background and I listened to the words. My mind wandered momentarily and I thought, "Why do I struggle with pride when I feel like I am not even worth that much? I am a treasured possession of the Lord? He thinks about me all of the time? I am the Lord's obsession? What can I do to make God my obsession?

I called you! You didn't choose me! You get no credit for your salvation! That alone speaks of your worth and value to me. Accept it and it will change your view, then your attitude, then your behavior. Accepting it doesn't give you any more value to me. Your worth and value to me are the same, no matter what you do.

I accept it! I have value to God. I am able to change once I see and accept the TRUTH about my value to the Lord.

Privacy Act

Just to clear up any possible confusion about this blog:



This is about MY stuggle and MY journey. I will at no time share the struggles, thoughts, or ramblings of anyone but myself. The journey to sobriety is a private stuggle brought only to light in Christ and the security of brothers who are willing to battle along side one another.



Battle On!!